Friends

Friends are so important! I have always seen little trinkets at stores or cards that say that when you find a special friend you should treasure it because it is so rare to have someone who truly cares about you. I really do believe that is true. I have a lot of friends, really. But how many friends do I have that will sit with me and talk through the tough stuff? Not very many at all.

I live in two quite separate worlds. I work full time. I also have two kids and go to church. I have a small group at that church, too. So I have lots of friends at work that I truly adore and love to be with. But there is an absence of common ground when it comes to our beliefs, so there is only so far that I can go with those friends in conversation. I can't really really be myself. Because being myself would involve being real about spiritual matters. Typing that out makes me a bit afraid of what that is saying about me. I am not true to God in this matter. I want to be able to speak truthfully at work about my love for Christ. I also want to maintain the relationships I have at work for many reasons, one of which is that eventually, I do believe my life as it is carried out before these witnesses will change some people's minds about God. I do not believe I have ever spoken against any of my beliefs, but I have held them in. I have kept silent numerous times about a topic that involves politically and spiritually charged matters.

It is an interesting thing to be a part of, really. I seem to be surrounded lately by women who have not worked and have stayed home with their kids forever. These women are wonderful and beautiful and I admire so much about them. But they cannot relate to me on so many levels. I also do not know how to talk to them about "living in the world" because honestly they tend to live in bubbles of Christian communities. I do not want this for myself. But I need help in learning how to do this living in the world thing right, too.

On another note related to friends. I had a wonderful and encouraging conversation with a new friend the other day. She is very wise and insightful and discerning and she spoke so much truth into my life about how God sees me versus the lies that others spread about me. I do not honestly think that anyone has said a lie about me intentionally, but I think that they have been misled and have chosen not to pursue getting to know me themselves, so they go on believing untruths about me. This great woman really lifted me and directed me toward God, where I should be focused! Thank you so much to that friend.

Valleys

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

I don't know how to start this. I have started and erased the first line of this blog over and over again. I am in a valley. A spiritual valley. I feel lost and there seems to be a shroud of darkness covering my vision right now.

I have recently been quite wounded and it has launched me into a state of confusion. What I thought to be true no longer seems to be so, but the actual truth is eluding me at the moment. There are a few things that I do know to be true. God loves me. He created me. He pursues me day and night, even when I cannot feel His presence. So I am trusting in that. It is a horrible feeling to be going through my days blindly. But I know that I have remarkable friends praying for me and an even more remarkable husband who will be on his knees for me as well.

I chose Proverbs 4:23 at the beginning of this entry because I do believe that it is from our hearts that all else flows. It is there that we choose to follow Christ and it is there where we hide his word and his truths. I want to protect and guard my heart right now for it is where Satan seems to be trying to gain a foothold in the form of bitterness, lies and deceit. He wants me to believe that I cannot overcome the darkness, that pursuing reconciliation with those who have hurt me is impossible, and that it is not worth being vulnerable to others because they will just hurt me.

A few months ago, I worked on memorizing 1 Peter 5:8 with my daughter, Leila. It says: Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. How this verse resonates with me today as I see over and over again the relentless ways that he tries to worm his way into my thoughts and feelings. He is on the ready to distort things so that I am convinced of their validity because they are so close to the truth. Again, I need protection from this so that I am not dragged down into the pit of despair with him. Misery loves company, as they say. I will not accept the invitation!

I look forward to working through my spiritual valley over the coming weeks and being able to come through on the other side with more hope, more wisdom, and more strength than before.